For Witch Weekly's Future Article on Sirius Black
by lovelondon
Summary: COMPLETED Sirius thinks Witch Weekly is going to do an article on him. He goes around the school with a tape recorder asking girls, and staff about himself. What will they say?
1. What The Ladies Think About Sirius Black

**For Witch Weekly's Future Article on Sirius Black**

_**Chapter One: What the Ladies Think about Sirius Black**_

"I am Sirius Black. This recording is for Witch Weekly's future article on me. Today I am going around asking what the girls think about me," came the voice of Sirius Black out of the wizarding tape recorder. "OO! There is my girl friend!"

"Hey, Meg!"

"Sirius, love. Where have you been?"

"What are your thoughts on the very sexy Sirius Black?"

"Who?"

"I am being serious, Meg."

"Of course you are. Your parents named you Sirius. Of course you are being Sirius."

"Just answer the question."

"All right. What to say about Sirius Black? He is very much handsome, great kisser, fantastic in bed, pretty good dancer, sweet, the best prankster, and he is mine, all mine."

"WHAT! We can't date other people while we are dating? What is this about a pretty good dancer! I am an awesome dancer! We are through!"

In the back round you could here hysterical sobbing.

"Please leave out the part that I made her cry."

"There is Lizia Smith. Hey, Liz baby, what do you think about me?"

"I must be dreaming the Sirius Black is talking to me! Well you are really hot and I completely love you. You are the best Quidditch player ever. I am so lucky to be talking to you. I love all your pranks. You are so talented at all of your classes. On your OWLs you got seven Os and one A in History of Magic. One last thing, you have a great arse."

"Do you think my left buttock is bigger than my right?"

"No, you're perfect in my opinion."

"Thanks, I know I am perfect. Do you want to go out with me next weekend?"

"OH MY GOD! Some one pinch me! I would love to go out with you!"

"Good. See you next weekend."

There was a squeal of delight.

"Note, Lily Evans walked by and rolled her eyes. She heard me make the note and rolled her eyes again. I have to record this. Prongsie-poo is going over to Evans. This could be like a sub article."

"HEY, Evans!"

"What do you want, Potter?"

"You."

"Shut it, Potter."

"Come on, go out with me?"

"Potter, remember last year. I told you I would rather go out with the giant squid. I still would rather date the squid."

"He can't kiss as good as me."

"How would you know? Have you kissed him? You don't get it do you? I don't want to be a one night stand! I do not want some one who is immature, like you!"

"That was not the best fight Witch Weekly. The best one was after OWLs in Fifth Year. I wonder what Evans thinks of me? Evans, OY Evans!"

"What do you want, Black?"

"What do you think when you hear the name Sirius Black?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"If you must know it is for Witch Weekly."

"Why are you asking me about you for that stupid magazine?"

"For my future article in the stupid magazine."

"Do they know about this article that is going to be in their magazine."

"No, not yet. Just answer the bloody question."

"All right. Big-headed prat."

"Hey! I resent that!"

"Oh, yes, and tell your idiot of a friend to leave me alone. If he really wants me he should grow up!"

There were fast pacing footsteps.

"That went well. Hey Witch Weekly put the idiot of a friend part in. He is an idiot."

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my cousin."

"Bella! Just who I was looking for! Even better Snivelly too! So cous what are your thoughts off me?"

"I think you are an ungrateful blood traitor. You're as bad as a mudblood."

"What about you Snivellus?"

"Black I have to go with your beautiful cousin."

"MY BEAUTIFUL COUSIN! That is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard!"

"Hardy, ha, ha, very funny cous. I hope you have a horrible rest of the day."

"You too, bye Bella! I will miss you Snivellus."

"In the article add that I am disowned, it will get my family mad."

"Black, what are you doing?"

"Ah, Cummings, I am making a recording for our kids about me."

Shelby made a gagging noise. "What makes you think I will ever sleep with you? Even if we did have a child you would never be around. You would be off snogging a girl or more likely a peanut."

"Or I could be snogging a beautiful creature, you."

"What are you really doing?"

"I am getting information of what girls think of me for Witch Weekly."

Cummings burst out laughing. "What would they want with a sixteen year old Hogwarts student?"

"It is for future references."

"Aaahh! For when you become a famous Quidditch player slash Auror slash sexiest man in the world."

"How did you know that? Are you a seer? How am I going to look like in ten years? Twenty years? Thirty? Do I dare go thirty-one years?"

"I knew that because that is what you said in that career class that is what you wanted to do. I am not a seer. When you are older you will look like an arse."

Sirius gasped. "You're evil. Now, what are your thoughts on me?"

"Well, you are the biggest player in the whole school."

"Thank you. Note to Witch Weekly, Shelby just rolled her eyes. There she goes again, again, again, and again. Wow, I am dizzy."

"You are all right looking."

"I'm beautiful."

"You're a cocky arse."

"Well, I am awesome. Right, ladies!"

There was a big cheering sound.

"I see your fan club is here, Black."

"Yes, they are."

"You think your this and that, but you're not. You are a womanizing, self absorbed, #$."

Click!

"Sorry WW, I want this to be PG. I know Sirius Black wanting something PG is weird, but I want little kids to know who I am. Day one, finished."

"The next tape is what the staff thinks of me," Sirius Black told his fellow Marauders.

**A/N- Hey! This is going to be a short little fic. I am thinking 7 chappies. Here are the names:**

**1) What the Ladies Think about Sirius Black**

**2) What the Staff Thinks about Sirius Black**

**3) What the House Elves Think about Sirius Black**

**4) What the Pictures Think about Sirius Black**

**5) What the Ghosts Think about Sirius Black**

**6) What My Fellow Marauders Think about Sirius Black**

**7) What Sirius Black Thinks about Himself**

Please Review!

_Emerald Lily Flowers_


	2. What The Staff Thinks About Sirius Black

**Chapter Two: What the Staff Thinks about Sirius Black**

**XXXXX**

"Padfoot do we really have to listen to this?" yawned an annoyed James Potter.

"Of course ya do," Sirius Black said as he was trying to fix the tape recorder.

"But at two AM," complained Peter Pettigrew.

"No better time than the present," mumbled Sirius.

"Padfoot don't you need your beauty sleep? You look like shit," noticed Remus Lupin.

All four boys were in their pajama pants. The only Marauder, what they call themselves, with a shirt on was Peter.

"I'll make it up in class," grumbled Sirius.

"Sirius Black!" The door to the boys' dorm room came bursting open. Lily Evans and Shelby Cummings came in wearing the same enraged expression.

"Hello ladies," he greeted.

"IT IS TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING AND YOU ARE BLASTING THAT BLOODY TAPE RECORDER!" screamed Lily.

Shelby joined in, "EVERYBODY IN THIS BLOODY SCHOOL IS TRYING TO SLEEP, ECSPECIALLY US! Remus WHY THE HELL DID YOU NOT STOP HIM!"

All the boys covered their ears.

"JUST TURN THE BLOODY THING DOWN!" With that the girls left the room slamming the entranceway.

"Yes," exclaimed Sirius when he finally got the tape to work, "here it goes."

Click!

"Here I, Sirius Black, sexiest man in Hogwarts, am sitting at breakfast on day two of my investigation about myself for Witch Weekly."

"Padfoot, shut up."

"Jamesie is a little snippy today because Miss Evans slapped him last night. He has a scratch on his face from her nail."

"That is it!"

"What are you going to do? Hi…"

There was a sound of a bone cracking.

"Yes, punch you."

"That hurt Prongsie, mentally and physically."

"Whatever."

"Mr. Potter."

"Hello Minnie, you look absolutely ravishing this morning."

There was a few seconds of silence.

"Potter, it is Professor McGonagall to you."

"Well then, _Professor _how may I help you?"

"Detention for punching Mr. Black!"

"Wait! Minerva!"

"What do you want Mr. Black?"

"What are your thoughts on yours truly?"

"Mr. Black what is this for?"

"Black here thinks Witch Weekly will want to do an article on him."

"Shut it, Evans."

"Mr. Black I think you are the worst trouble maker this school has ever seen."

"Thank You."

"Hey! What about me?"

"You too Mr. Potter."

"Thank you."

"I think you should have your head in your studies and not gathering information on what people think of you for a stupid magazine. Good day, Black, Potter, Miss Evans."

"How come she always says 'Miss Evans' to you and 'Black' to me?

"Hey, Evans!"

"No Potter, I will not go out with you."

"Why?"

"Because hell has not frozen over."

"What if I said it did?"

"No, I still wouldn't go out with you."

"Come on Evans, give me a chance."

"No. Good bye, Potter, Black. Oh and Potter, I hope that scratch still stings."

"Don't worry Evans, it doesn't."

"Prongs she really does not show any sign that she likes you."

"I know, I know, but I am not giving up."

"Loser, you could have every girl in this whole bloody school and you choose the _one_ girl that despises you."

"Paddy Footy, I love her. She will come around after we do our next prank."

"Prongs you have been doing these pranks to impress her since fourth year and I don' see her anywhere near you."

"Shut up, Moony! Lily is just playing hard to get."

"She must really like the game because she has been playing it for a while."

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Very funny, Siri!"

"God Prongs, I was just kidding."

Click!

Click!

"Here I, Sirius Black, am sitting in History of Magic. All the girls are staring at me, when has that changed. Binns is being his boring self. OY! PROFESSOR BINNY!"

"Yes, Mr. Black."

"What do you think of me?"

"Well, you are smart, but you choose not to show it."

"I love you, Binny. You are the first person who said I was smart today."

"You do through some of the best pranks this school has ever seen. So that means you are clever and creative."

"Why is everybody forgetting me! I am starting to feel neglected!"

"Oh yes, you too Mr. Potter are _very _creative."

"Hey! He gets '_very_ creative' and I only get 'clever and creative'."

"You both are _very_…."

"For the sake of Merlin, can we please get back to class!"

"Evans, don' you want my article to be a success."

"No, I don't care about _your bloody article_. This is class not time to socialize with your teacher. Professor Binns, isn't it right that Hogsmeade's Hogs Head was headquarters for the goblin rebellion of 1612?"

"Why yes, Miss. Evans. Is that where I was?"

"Yes, sir."

Click!

Click!

"You know Evans, you could be a little less tense."

"We have NEWTs next year. There is no time for dilly dallying."

"We have NEWTs next year. There is no time for dilly dallying."

"Shut up, Black!"

"Shut up, Black!"

"I mean it!"

"I mean it!"

"Black!"

"Black!"

"Damn, she just has to go into the girls' bathroom…. You know, I always wondered what their bathroom looked like!"

"Black get out! This is the _girls'_ bathroom!"

"Oh, is it? So that's why you're in here?"

SLAP!

"OW! Evans that hurt!"

"Good! I will slap you again if you don't leave me alone!"

"WW, she really loves me; she just doesn't show it."

Click!

Click!

"Ah potions! My least favorite subject."

"Mr. Black why aren't you making your potion?"

Well you see Sluggy; I am busy talking into my tapey recordery thingy. By the way, what are your thoughts on me? Speak loudly and clearly please."

"I think you are a lazy arse, unlike your brother. I also think you are very smart. If I had you in my house I would have the Black set."

"Reggy is too scared to be a lazy arse, and I would never want to be in Slytherin."

"And us Slytherins don't want you in our house either."

"Thank you, Bella."

Click! 

Click!

"Sprouty baby!"

"Mr. Black, class is over. I do not want to spend anymore time than I need to with you."

"I love you too! What are your thoughts on a very sexy guy, Sirius Black?"

"I was warned about this question. Well Black, you are very cocky, smart, and clever, but a terrible student at times. Now please Mr. Black, leave me in peace."

Click!

Click!

"Hippogriffs can be trained but it is very hard."

"Professor Kettleburn?"

"Yes Mr. Black?"

"Are hippogriffs anything like lets say, Sirius Black?"

"Yes Mr. Black, they are very proud creatures. Although they do not slack off in work and play pranks. Sometimes they are sentenced to death because the hurt someone, only some times."

"Thanks professor, I think."

Click! 

Click!

"NEWTs are next year…."

"You have to be prepared yada yada ya. Flitwick can we get to more important things?"

"What is more important than passing your exams?"

"Me, of course. What do you think of me?"

"Mr. Black this is class time. I will not answer your question."

"Meany!"

"Finally a teacher that shuts him up!"

"Why don' you shut up, Evans?"

Click! 

Click!

"Okay, I will be all right. It is just a room filled with books and people studying. Deep breaths. Here I go."

"Mr. Black! What are _you _doing in the library? You are not going to set the books on fire again, are you?"

"No Pincy, I came here to see what you think of me. So?"

"I think you are a lazy book burner. Please leave my library now!"

Click! 

Click!

"But Poppy, I went insane in that library!"

"For the last time Mr. Black, I will not give you a sanity potion. Now please leave."

"I will but first, what are your thoughts on me?"

"Black, you are a flattering fool."

"That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me, Poppy!"

"You must be so happy. Bye!"

Slam!

"How rude! Just slamming the door on _me, Sirius Black_!"

Click!

Click!

"C'mon Sinny! Open the door!"

"Black, it is Professor Sinistra! Go before I get Filch!"

"I am not afraid of him!"

"Good because he is on his way!"

"Then what are your thoughts on me?"

"You are a nascence!"

"Black!"

"Argy, I missed you!"

"Black this is beyond me. Follow me to the headmaster's office."

"Do I have to?….. OW! FILCH, NOT MY THE EAR! OW! OW! OW!"

"And you say you are strong. Can't even take a little pain."

"A little? You are practically ripping my ear off. Oh Filchy, what do you think of me?"

"You don' want to know. There is a twenty page list, don' want to spen' too much time with ya."

"You gave me the light of day?"

"Sugar Quills. The Headmaster is waiting."

"Bye Argy! I love you!"

"Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posy, ashes, ashes, we all fall down!"

There was clapping coming from the top of the stairs.

"Bravo, Mr. Black, bravo!"

"Thank you Professor Dumbledore. I was thinking of making a record for my fan club."

"Please take a seat."

"Thank you, sir."

"Mr. Black, it has come to my attention that you were bothering Professor Sinistra in her tower."

"Yes sir."

"Why?"

"I wanted to know what she thought of me. What do _you _think of me?"

"You are a talented young man with a hint of mischief. Now, you may go back to your common room, and please shut the recorder off for the night."

"Yes sir."

"Also, no more going into the girls' bathroom."

"Of course, Alby."

Click!

"Evans slapped you too," said James.

"Yup," Sirius answered.

"Hurts, doesn't it?"

""Like hell," Black agreed.

**Please Review!**


	3. A Day in the Life of Sirius Black

**Author's Note:**

Okay, this is not even on track but I had to do something. This is a chapter was made during major writer's block. I will be back to Sirius asking people about himself next chapter. This is very short but please review! Hope you like it. 

CODE:

Regular: the Marauders are listening to the recording

_ITALICS: the actual recording._

**Chapter Three: A Day in the Life of Sirius Black**

---

"_Ah, another glorious day of…researching myself. Remember WW I am Sirius Black and I am sexy."_

"_Mr. Black we are in the middle of class put that thing away!" _

"_Certainly Minnie. You know, I am not feeling so good. Can I go see Poppy?" _

"_Mr. Black you are not sick. Now sit back down!_

"_Oh, but I am!" _

"_Prove it, Black."_

"_Um…."_

"_SEE! TAKE YOUR SEAT NOW!"_

"_Fine."_

"_Padfoot, I told you not get on her nerves today."_

"_Shut up, Moony. I have a headache."_

"_So do I. I think the whole entire class has one."_

"_Look! Evans is using a headache charm. Wow, doesn't she just do it so gracefully. She raises her hand like an angel."_

"_Oh god Lover Boy, get a grip. It is just Evans. She is nothing special."_

"_Nothing special, Sirius. NOTHING SPECIAL! LIL…"_

"_Mr. Potter is there something you would like to say?"_

"_Why, yes there is. I was just saying to say to Sirius before you rudely interrupted me…"_

"_Professor! You look like a tomato. I do NOT like tomatoes!" _

"_That Lily Evans is special in so many ways!"_

"_Yeah, like mentally! She actually likes to study! HA! HA! HA!"_

"_Mr. Black! DETENTION!" _

"_Sirius!"_

"_Yes, Prongsie boy? Did you see the look on Evans face when she left? That was hilarious!"_

"_Shut up!"_

"_What?_

"_If you keep doing this then I will never get her! God!"_

"_I will talk to her! Will that make it better?"_

"_Without insulting her?"_

"_Yeah, sure."_

"_Repeat after me."_

"_Repeat after me."_

"_I will not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_I will try to not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_I will not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_I will try to not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_I will not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_I will try to not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_I will not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_I will try to not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_RRR! JUST SAY IT RIGHT!"_

"_I am just kidding. I will not insult Lily Evans when I talk to her."_

"_Ever again."_

"_Hey you never said ever again. I can NOT promise that in a million years!"_

_There was a smacking noise coming out of the wizarding tape recorder. _

---

"That still hurts, Prongs." Sirius Black rubbed the back of his head soothingly. He was making mock sounds of pain and faces of agony.

James and the rest of the Marauders just smacked him in the back of his head. Sirius fell off the bed and onto the cold stone ground.

"OW! NOW THAT HURT!"

"Shh. Evans and Cummings might come back," said James. He looked scared because of their last meeting which scared him.

"Why would we care if they come up here? The last time we saw them was just so joyous," commented Sirius sarcastically.

"Black!"

"Potter!"

"GET DOWN HERE NOW! BRING THAT TAPE RECORDER!"

"Do you think they are happy or mad?" asked Sirius.

"Knowing Lily and Shelby they are most likely angry with you," said Remus Lupin nonchalantly still flipping through his book. The rest of the Marauders gulped before having to head done stairs with the tape recorder in the hands of Sirius. When they were at the bottom of the steps they saw Lily Evans and Shelby Cummings on the couch acting perfectly civil. The sixteen year old boys stood there in shock.

"Start the tape," Shelby ordered. The Marauders were still shocked.

---

"_Here I am in the…ow, Poppy that hurts."_

"_Mr. Black just let me heal you without giving a tantrum like a little three year old boy."_

"_Can you make it a growing, strong, and irresistible three year old boy?"_

"_No."_

"_AHH! COME ON!"_

"_No."_

"_Fine. As I was saying before SOMEONE started to poke me; I am in the Hospital Wing because mentally disordered Ev… OW, POPPY!"_

"_Mr. Black, I was not even touching you."_

"_THEN WHAT WAS THAT?"_

"_It seems Miss. Evans has put a charm on you so whenever you insult her you will feel a slight shock. Good girl, good girl, always knew she would do something like this to Black after all these years of torturing."_

"_A SLIGHT SHOCK? THAT WAS NOT A SLIGHT SHOCK! YOU GUYS SHOULD JUST KILL ME NOW!"_

"_Stop being over dramatic. You can go now."_

"_What? Aren't you going to take that curse off me that Evans put on me?"_

"_No, it is time someone taught you a lesson. I think that I will keep it on you. Goodbye Mr. Black, and have a nice day."_

---

"Nice one, Evans," said James.

"Thanks, I guess."

"It still isn't gone. It hurts badly," complained Sirius.

---

"_Well, this is a day in the life of Sirius Black. WAIT! It wasn't a full day. On full days I get a girl to sleep with me. Shit, I got to go find a pretty girl. WW this is an almost full day of me, sexiest man in Hoggy-warts."_

---

**Authors Note:**

Sorry it took so long. I had a major writers block. I still do. I just wanted to get something up. Like it. Hate it. Please tell me.

GO REVIEW! 


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